I’m here
It’s a pattern I see
Where I seek out a soul I can call family
Again
Where I start questioning whom I call friends
Conclusions all seem to be the same in the end.
Loneliness, a feeling I know too well
Pinned by the thoughts
Caught
And maybe I’m not even trying anymore; to escape
The comfort of this pain
Lowers the expectations,
so I remain
Misunderstood, and that’s okay
Maybe one day I won’t have to explain
How I got to this place
who will look me in the face.
I laugh at my thoughts of suicide
I’d be damned if they see me cry,
Not that it’s weak, I just don’t have the time
These children of mine
They need to see me fine
So I draw over that Broken smile that they love so much
Keep it tough
Because complacent isn’t enough
Maybe it could be better if I disappeared
But that’s not what people wanna hear
I’m trying to be thankful, God has blessed me alot
It’s not fair if against that I fought
Blood and water are all the same, life has taught
Down the drain it swirls, leaving my stomach in knots
I can’t hold on, and drowning in silence is what I rather.
The only one who hears me, my Heavenly Father.
So I cry up at the night sky out of the mud and mire
Am I forgotten on the side like a run away tire?
Confidence a mask, so now I’m the biggest liar
Laid up at the cemetery drive
Here I measure how much I am alive
Consciously trading places with the ones who once died
For just a minute I’ll gaze up at the sky
Waving hi to the visitors who couldn’t bother when I was awake
Make note that the love I possess was never fake
So though I’ll stay,
Here brokenness and dead dreams are left behind
With a piece of art unsigned
Reiterating that I’ll be fine
This piece was put together as i felt myself battling the big sad today. Rejection isn’t an easy enemy and i was on the lines. Writing and music my only coping skill at times, I was unsure whether to post, but this blog is ours to do as we wish. So i share this not as a way to gain pity or even down anyone, but just to put words to a battle that not only i face on a daily. I believe we aren’t truly alone, but i believe there are many that may feel physically alone and must handle that battle on a daily. Questioning purpose and worth due to rejection from those you cherished dearly but I promise, you’re special, I think that’s what many don’t see. And that’s okay. A message i read on a tree alittle while ago during a hike that ive been kind of holding onto…. “WE WILL SURVIVE” and we will. I AM.
Foreign student trauma: When I first moved from Lithuania to America I was 5 years old and didn’t speak any English. On the first day of kindergarten I was crying so much that my teacher picked me up and let me sit on her lap, meanwhile the rest of the kids sat on the carpet in front of me and watched me cry while she explained to them what was going on (in a language I didn’t understand). Our school was 3 buildings put together, and the pick up was at the “blue” building but my classroom was at the “red” building, so they put a sign over my neck that said “I don’t speak English and I’m going to the blue building” and sent me away to follow a crowd of other kids. I’m still traumatized.
We’re so sorry to hear about how that experience effected you. I can imagine many ways they could have handled that incident. A church I’ve attended puts name tags on the back of each child. I feel on the fence with it. I don’t like the thought of other people being able to call out to my children, knowing their name; but on a deeper level, though we are a group, we are still individuals with our own names, personalities, characteristics, experiences, pains, flaws… The works. So that piece of paper not only helps the staff know whom they are speaking to and or what they are dealing with, it reminds me That outside of our brand we are our own persons. Sometimes Kristina can fall short in what we stand for (more times than I’d like to post) If you’d like we can talk more about how this affected you, but til then, thank you so much for the bravery in sharing some of you with us.
Much appreciation and love from
thoseGilligans
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I really like your blog.. very nice colors & theme.
Did you design this website yourself or did you hire someone to do it
for you?
Plz reply as I’m looking to construct my own blog and would like to know where u got this from.
cheers
I’m still learning my way around this platform. So have faith even as you learn, it’ll look good while you are doing it <3
Love from ThoseGilligans